August 2, 2017

Like the heartwarming color the clouds reflect
at the end of the day — 
that’s how I saw you back then.
Deep in my darkness,
A hand willing to pull me out.
This time I wouldn’t resist.
Not again. Not anymore.
With my back to the wall

I pull my knees to a hug,
it feels less like drowning.

I sit on the floor looking out of my window.
If I’m lucky enough,
I might catch the moment
before the sunset,
with those colors that remind me of you.

And then again I’m happy and innocent as if I was just born.
Like yesterday didn’t exist.
Like I know nothing about this world.
Like I’ve never seen darkness.

On these days I walk.
Imagine nothing special;
But just a walk along the river
same way thousands or perhaps millions of people do.
Only it feels different.
Because on these days, I stop and breathe.
I breathe memories, good intentions, and your scent.
I can even breathe hope. Hope for the future, hope for you,
Hope for me; even for us.
And then just for a moment, I’m alive.
My window is open, I see the colors I love.
They remind me of us.
Me, a storm grey cloud
dressed in the darkest of purples
and you, a fierce orange,
reflected from an evening sun,
as a glorious conflagration,
you’ve come to set my sky aflame.
Birds are flying and I reflect on their freedom.
I imagine having these wings and flying away.
Away from everything.
The warm summer breeze covers my body
and I see the world
through different eyes.
Houses like little boxes.
People too tiny to be important.
And me, as if I have no care, I just fly. 
I fly away.
Maybe I’m flying to you.
I pass green forests and dark blue oceans.
The birds don’t seem disturbed by my presence.
Somehow it all makes sense.
Hours and hours have passed,
Since the beginning of my little journey,
But I feel restless
Because when the heart pushes,
The body must obey.
And so I keep passing little boxes and wild oceans,
And when the night comes,
The stars remind me of your light.
I regain my strength.
Yes, I’m coming to you.

Then there’s this moon
I’m trying to look at, but somehow, it feels
as if it’s the one looking at me.
That’s why full of pride I flap my wings
Harder, showing off my skills.
As an expression of approval,
it shines brighter and the clouds clear from my view.
I think I saw a smile.
A smiling moon –what an odd picture.
I fly and fly in this endless journey searching for you
Until I finally see the strange buildings,
And the walls of your heart.
And you’re still there,
In the middle of the sky
impatiently flapping your grey wings.
Dressed in black, your body is hard
to distinguish in the night sky.
Light emerges from your soul and connects with mine.
It guides me safely to you.
And I stay there with you,
Silently to not scare you away.
Warm and peaceful, just for a few moments
in the arms I longed for so long.
For the first time, I breathe for real.
Breaths of relief,
Breaths of gratitude for the moment that finally came.
I breathe happiness for a life worthy waiting for you.
I smile because I know the time is coming,
but oddly, it makes me feel alive.

Then the wings disappear along with you, and me,
Finally alive,

I surrender to the last fall.


©2018 by Diamaya Dawn. All Rights Reserved.

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